The melancholy of Rei Ryugazaki
by hikachu
Summary: Rei can't help the part of him that is dazzled by Nagisa's laugh and his small hands and will let himself fall asleep with a cheek leaning on top of Nagisa's head on the train home, or get hard in a changing cubicle under his fingers. PWP set during episode four.


It doesn't take more than spending about five minutes in his company, to realize that Nagisa's adorable round face and fluffy hair and small hands are all part of a disguise. A lie.

Nagisa is really some sort of barbaric creature with no idea of propriety and social norms wearing the skin of a cute high schooler. And there are very few things which Rei loathes more than objects, actions and individuals that disrupt society's orderliness: they are always, without fail, inelegant, clumsy, ugly and embarrassing.

_Being embarrassed _might be, Rei is discovering at this very moment, one of the very few things he hates more than barbarians and their barbaric antics.

No more speedos, he said, but grabbed the one Nagisa had been trying to push on him for the past two minutes, all the same: the quiet isolation of the cramped changing room, even if temporary, sounded like a better alternative to Nagisa's hands casually touching his naked skin and _lingering_. (Although, the glittery purple star print on the speedo _is_ rather fashionable—maybe Rei should still get it for a hypothetical trip to the beach or something.)

Not to mention the moment when one of said hands slid on his ass with the excuse of wanting to check for creases. _It can get veeery uncomfortable, otherwise_. Nagisa had looked _veeery_ innocent and _veeery_ happy with himself when he said that.

There might have been some truth to that, and maybe Nagisa really didn't realize the wrongness of his own actions, being that he found hugging and draping himself over his friends in public completely normal—but that only made things worse. Someone with an inborn disregard for personal space and boundaries is even more prone to creating embarrassing situations.

Like, for example, the predicament that is currently troubling Rei Ryuugazaki.

Nagisa smiles, in front of him, and in the semi-darkness of the cubicle his teeth glisten like little pearls.

Rei has the – now distant, vague – cognition that he should just push him away, out, beyond the curtain, but he can't think properly anymore. He's functioning on autopilot and it's already impressive if he can hastily tuck himself into the small swimsuit, head pounding with the certainty that _he saw me naked_ and the hope that _maybe he didn't it's too dark in here_.

"Haru-chan wandered off without saying anything and Mako-chan went to check on him. Is worried that he might have jumped into one of the kiddie pools, hehe. Me, I was wondering, why is Rei-chan taking so long?"

"I-I did not—!" Rei sputters, then thinks, no, why am I acting like I need to justify myself. I should be angry, tell him he's being rude. He will think I'm spineless and undignified.

But Nagisa doesn't seem particularly interested in the things Rei says or those he should have said. He laughs, like he did nothing wrong, like Rei is just exaggerating – like always – and walks closer.

He hums. Leans down. Is so obviously staring that Rei stupidly keeps pressing his back against the wall in hopes that it will swallow him.

"This size is too small for you, after all."

"It doesn't matter! I need proper swimming gear anyway!"

"But it's a pity. It looks so good on you. Here, let me help."

Nagisa touches the tip of his fingers to Rei's stomach.

They are warm, but Rei finds himself shivering all the same. _It looks so good on you _echoes loudly inside his skull, bouncing back and forth from the back of his head to the space above his eyebrows.

When Nagisa dips a hand under the sparkling, slick fabric, Rei is certain that, as much as he hates the sweat and anger-distorted faces that come with violence, it would be his right to slap it away, and deliver a punch to Nagisa's nose for good measure.

He doesn't.

Nagisa looks so calm curling his fingers around his length, fiddling with it, that Rei can't help but think that in the end it's a normal thing to do, that he would have done it himself—had he been given the time. It's a twisted thought exactly because Nagisa has no business fixing him up like he's five and needs the help (or like Nagisa himself were some sort of old pervert), in the first place. But then again, Nagisa often does things he shouldn't without any maliciousness, and Rei often lets his thoughts and his reasoning – no matter how over the top or unnecessary – get in the way of his actions.

There's that, and then there's the fact that Nagisa's inappropriate forwardness and his smile and his face make Rei's heart beat faster, and not unpleasantly. It's overwhelming, sure, and most of the time he's torn between letting Nagisa fuss over him and running away, and he hates himself for blushing, and looking away every time, and he really ought to be mad at Nagisa for it, but.

Rei can't help the part of him that is dazzled by Nagisa's laugh and his small hands and will let himself fall asleep with a cheek leaning on top of Nagisa's head on the train home, or get hard in a changing cubicle under his fingers.

"O-Ohhh," says Nagisa.

I want to die, decides Rei. He doesn't have the strength to say the words out loud. It must have evaporated along with his will to live.

He expects Nagisa to laugh (_What sort of dirty things were you thinking about all of sudden, Rei-chan?_) and make fun of him for the rest of their lives. Maybe he will even crack a joke in front of the others, and then Rei will have to move and start over in a place where nobody knows about his tarnished reputation, forever ruined during a trip to the mall.

Instead Nagisa looks up at him, with a smile that Rei doesn't think he has seen before.

"Hey," he says. "Is it because of me? Rei-chan."

There is something terribly – terrifyingly – endearing about that question, and also indecent.

Maybe it's the hand still wrapped around his half-hard cock, maybe it's the way Nagisa's voice grows higher and a bit whiny towards the end, or the expectant look in his eyes.

"Did I make you hard?"

Nagisa swallows, waits, and Rei isn't sure he will be able to offer a proper reply. He isn't even sure if Nagisa's thumb did just accidentally twitch or if that was an intentional swipe against his flesh: an attempt to elicit a reaction, a response.

"Rei-chan," Nagisa calls. His voice is soft, but so unwavering that it almost sounds like a one word command.

Rei wishes he could yell, push all the blame on him and demand _he_ do something, _he_ put an end to this. But, 'take responsibility', or something like that, would sound embarrassingly cliched in this situation. Not to mention perverted, like a line from a pornographic manga.

"I," he begins and stops there, because his voice breaks and Rei can't bring himself to hurt his own pride any further than this.

Nagisa's smile grows wider and livelier. His eyes sparkle.

Is he a sadist, Rei wonders. Even though there is a certain tenderness, in that expression, that makes something in his throat swell up and tighten.

"Don't worry, Rei-chan, I got it!"

It's spoken so cheerfully that Rei decides: definitely a sadist.

Nagisa's fingers curl tighter around him and pull a little, and there is no way that, this time, he'd doubt it's intentional. Not with the hand at his hip tugging down the speedo until it hangs just below his ass.

Nagisa traces the top of his thighs and his hipbones and then the flushed curve of his cock, which keeps bouncing against his stomach every time Rei jumps or shudders.

"Ahh, already so hard! And, and, and everything about Rei-chan is sooo pretty!"

The sheer, unabashed _happiness_ in that voice is enough to make Rei wish again that the wall or the floor would just open up and swallow him whole.

"Please, d... don't talk like that...!"

He's almost in tears but he isn't sure that he really means it. He should, just like he should mind Nagisa looking at his body with the same glint in his eyes that he has when he's about to snatch the last piece of curry bread from the cafeteria lady before a mob of hungry upperclassmen. Except he doesn't. Can't.

Nagisa stretches out his arms like he wants to be picked up, only to wrap them around Rei's shoulders when he bends down.

"No fair, you're too tall! How am I supposed to kiss you if you don't help me out?"

Rei thinks that if they stay like this for too long, his neck will be stiff and his back ache and his legs feel like jelly, afterward. He also lets Nagisa lick at his bottom lip and suck on it until he can feel it swelling up. He complies when Nagisa demands, laughing: open up your mouth.

The roof of Nagisa's mouth tastes like something sweet, too sweet, and Rei realizes that he didn't expect it to be any other way: it suits him. It's easy to picture Nagisa drowning his western tea in sugar and slathering his morning toast with butter and jam both, sticky and dripping down his chin, on his fingers and—Rei whines into the kiss and pushes his hips against Nagisa's.

He has jerked off to similar daydreams before; he has pictured himself licking up the thin line of soda trickling Nagisa's throat that one time they all went for ice cream and cold drinks after school, and Nagisa drank from his can a bit too quickly, too greedily, with no sense of decency or good manners as usual.

It's stupid and disgusting, useless and ugly, but the thing is, there is just something about Nagisa when he eats, or walks, or the way he will cling to Rei's arm, and scoot close to him on the train until Rei almost expects him to throw his legs over his lap.

The thing is, there is just something about Nagisa, of all people, doing this to him, who has never even kissed another person that wasn't a relative—and certainly not like _this_.

Rei presses his forehead against Nagisa's shoulder and can feel the muscles in his lower back cramping up, but all he cares about right now is hiding his reddened face, the sweat that is surely making his hair stick weirdly against his skin, and his labored breath.

"You've never done this with another person, right?"

The question makes him whimper shamefully and that, in itself, is an obvious answer.

"You're so cute, Rei-chan," Nagisa sighs in delight and takes to stroking him slowly, sweetly. "Hey, is it okay if I join in?"

By the time he adds, laughing lightly, _I got a bit excited too_, Rei's mouth is watering a little.

"Alright, alright," he croaks out, thinking that he would very much enjoy touching Nagisa, too.

His skin burns where it meets Nagisa's, and Nagisa's hand is impossibly cool as it wraps itself around both of their cocks.

The strokes become more erratic: there is a clumsiness to Nagisa's touch, now, that is entirely new to Rei.

"Hey... Rei-chan?" Nagisa pants against his ear. "Lift your head a little?"

"A-Absolutely n-not...! My face is t-too weird right now!"

"But I wanna see your expression when you come...! I bet it's super pretty."

"Na-Nagisa-kun! What are you—"

"Please."

In the end, Rei does lift his head from Nagisa's shoulder, although he can't decide whether it's a reflex (the completely irrational impulse to do whatever Nagisa says that plagues him, really), or to make sure that Nagisa's own expression matches the one in his mind.

It does.

Nagisa is smiling the way he always does, but it's a smile that trembles and wanes. His cheeks are flushed; his lips glisten, as does his sweat-slicked skin. His bangs are stuck to his forehead, curlier than Rei remembers them being a few minutes ago.

He presses closer without thinking, and Nagisa gasps, Rei-chan.

It's enough to drive him off the edge.

"Rei-chan...?"

For a long moment, Rei enjoys his afterglow, comparing – distractedly, but not without a certain satisfaction – this orgasm to the ones he has efficiently achieved on his own in the privacy of his room or the shower stall. Maybe there is some sort of beauty to be found in this kind of thing too, after all.

"Rei-chan... So unfair..."

The long moment ends with Nagisa coming back into his field of vision. Spefically, with Nagisa's still-hard-and-flushed cock.

"I barely got to touch you," is all he needs to say before Rei decides that, ultimately, being swallowed by the floor and dying would have been the best turn of events, orgasm or not.

"I-I'm sorry, I... this sort of thing has never—I-I mean, premature ejaculation among younger men i-is not that uncommon but I..."

"Rei-chan."

Rei pushes up his glasses (the lenses are half fogged up and have smudged fingerprints on them) and tries to take a deep breath and apologize again but for some reason the words just don't come out.

"Rei-chan!"

Nagisa literally grabs him by his cheeks.

"You're almost hyperventilating, calm down! What am I supposed to do if you die on me in this place?! Here, here," he says the words like Rei is some dumb, bawling brat (which he probably is right now, at least at heart) and stretches out a little to kiss him on the mouth.

"It _was_ kind of unfair of you, I mean I really, really, _really_ wanted to come with you, but! This side of Rei-chan is also cute! Getting so excited during your first time: so adorable!"

Rei can only bury his face into his hands at that, unable to even care about the glasses that are probably getting dirtier anymore.

Nagisa – who Rei is 99.8% sure is a sadist, by now – must be enjoying the sight of his misery a lot, because he laughs, and steps closer, effectively trapping Rei into a corner of the cubicle. Most likely to observe from up close the moment tears start rolling down his cheeks.

"Give me your hand," Nagisa commands.

Rei lets it fall into Nagisa's palm because he doesn't have anything to lose anymore.

He doesn't expect Nagisa to intertwine their fingers together in a way that – if this weren't pushy, selfish Nagisa – could probably be called loving.

He doesn't expect to feel the weight and the warmth of Nagisa's cock in his grasp, nor the kisses that rain down on his face, neck, shoulders.

"It's okay," Nagisa sighs after a kiss to Rei's chin. "You can make up for it like this, and besides there is always room for improvement! Also... maybe I really did exaggerate with the teasing today—but, but, I couldn't help it, alright? Because I like Rei-chan so much!"

Nagisa grins, all bright and innocent, and perhaps Rei should wish to kick him for thinking he can just apologize like that or for making such an expression when he's jerking himself off with another guy's hand, but.

But he knows that's simply how Nagisa is, and that he can't lie, not about this stuff, and the thought is irritating, yes, but most of all it's heartwarming and Rei can _feel_ the affection and the warmth lighting up his own face, sliding down into his chest like honey (how beautifully poetic), and down, further down, down, down—

Nagisa giggles.

"Ehh? Again? So soon? As expected of a healthy high school student! Rejoice, Rei-chan! You aren't really an old man after all!"

Truly, a quick and painless death would have been for the better.


End file.
